5.31.17

So today I get to show my friend Michael the house I’m living in. I also have to show it to his parents. If he likes it he’ll move in during the fall, which would be so ridiculously fun. He’s a good friend and I think it would give the house some real character. It’d be Nick, Mikey, Mitchell, Matt, Henry and me. I think it’d be a great time. I’m close to all of those guys, excluding Matt. I don’t know him that well, but I like him a bit and think he’s super nice. All of those guys are great examples of how God believes community should work. It’s really cool to see that. I think that we could have a great time and really grow together as a house through the following year. All of this is obviously contingent on the idea I stay in Orlando. This is a tough thing to decide. I’m really nervous about the idea of passing up this opportunity but with a little time and prayer, I think I will be able to make this decision rationally.

I think the things it depends on are:

  1. If work at Disney goes well.
  2. If the proposed people live in the house.
  3. If things are going well with Nash.
  4. If the band I’m starting with Hayden is a good time.

I’m worried about making this decision for Nash though. I think I’ve mentioned this before though. The reality is that I’ve been known to make these types of decisions before for girls. It’s really fucked up my life, but it’s also made it for the best. I just have to wait and see how things play out. This may be the community I’ve been searching for. These dudes are great dudes. Just a little nerve wracking.

I know I will eventually live in New York, but is the time now? Will I possibly regret my decision in the future?

Advertisements

5.30.17

A letter to Lauren 

The adventures that we’d go on for years and years and years will never see the light of day because I couldn’t see clear that you were just a young bird yearning to be free but I guess life will go on with out you being as near as I’d like you to be. I know I fucked up, I knew you weren’t a slut but I couldn’t handle something so good In life so it all came crashing down. 

I still look at your instagram deep into the night Your eyebrows still look great your style is the still the best. But you broke my heart that night in your dorm and I don’t think I can forgive you for what I couldn’t do right. 
I died for days and I lost a part of me that will not ever come back. I’m still paying off the debt I went into for your theme park trip. I’ll never be the same. 

You’d never know I miss you but I am so full of regret for not treating you the best I could am I’m sorry I could never see the man you needed me to be. I’m trying to move on and I think I’ve fooled myself into thinking that this is still your fault. Things with you were so easy singing songs with you felt so right. I’m having a hard time sleeping in this bed I’ve made for myself. I just hope you can forgive me for acting a way that wasn’t okay. 
I’m feeling this loss more now than ever but I hope you’re doing well. Relationships are hard and the timing just wasn’t right. I’m drinking now to forget the thoughts we shared on your bed that Friday night. 
I don’t want you back, I don’t want to feel sad. I still love every part of that girl I kissed when beach boys came on after founders day, (well night). But you’re not that girl anymore, and I hope you’re doing alright. 

5.29.17

I’m unhappy with the way I look. I feel like I have gained so much weight and I feel motivated to start going back to the Gym. I need to do this for myself. I need to get into better shape and become proud of how I look and get stronger. I know I can do this. I want to become a good runner, and addicted to the feeling of working out. I need to do this. I know I can. I reached out to Benson in order to see if he’d like to be my accountability partner. I also know that I need to get into better eating habits. I didn’t buy anything too terrible when I went shopping the other night so I feel like that will be able to happen without too much difficulty. I also feel like I need to do this so that when I do, inevitably, compare myself to other people, I can feel proud of how I look. I want Nash to think that I’m attractive. I want to make myself proud and it’d be a good way to spend time. I know it’ll be difficult, but I know I can do it. I can listen to terrible pop punk music and run and lift and get into shape. I feel motivated to do this. One way I thought about motivating myself is to print photos of me and the exes that broke my heart and putting weight goals on them, and then only allow myself to take them off when I hit that goal. The only problem with that is that It’d probably be a little weird for Nash. But this is something I need to do, and if it helps, I think that she’s understand.

I hope that Benson and I can come up with a good schedule to be able to be consistent with a work out schedule. Wish me luck.

5.28.17

Music is great. I really enjoy being able to get my emotions and thoughts out not only through this blog thing but also through music. Wether that’s learning a new song or writing one. It’s a great way for me to feel worth while. I love that feeling. Music is something that connects everyone together. Even just the other night, at the Bayside show, I was able to meet new friends because of our love of music and of certain bands. It’s crazy. It’s really wonderful. The emotions that can be sparked because of the soundwaves reverberating through the air. It’s ridiculous. It’s so wonderful and amazing. It’s something that God certainly blessed us with. Worship music is super cool too. You can easily feel how God is able to use it to tie the congregation together. So interesting. I really love the feeling I get after spending an hour or two with my guitar. Or the feeling I get when I hang out with friends and play together. It’s a wonderful bonding experience.

Hayden and I should be starting a band together soon. I think it’s going to be a pop-punk/post hardcore band. I’ve never been apart of something like that, and I’m not too familiar with the latter genre, but I’m excited just to have a hand in something like that with such good friends. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. He’s such a good dude, and very caring. I can only hope to be as good of a friend as him. To think that we met in a line at Lazy Moon. So weird how friends become friends. I’m amazed and joyful over it.

As much as I feel down about my life, it’s hard not to notice how great my close friends are. They’ve done so much for me and I feel like I can never repay them. Our little group is growing together and I couldn’t be more excited to see what our adventures become.

Shout out to Hayden, Niko, JFaulk, and Kaplan for just being the best dudes I could ask for.

5.27.17

The feeling for Nash grows quickly. I am overwhelmed and terrified with what could happen. I could ruin her. I could allow myself to be open with and get hurt very easily. It’s nerve wracking. I think she’s such a sweet girl, and have a hard time seeing that happening to me with her, but I’ve had a hard time seeing girls in the past do it too. They’re savages. But I guess people are in general. People are going to do what they want, and if they’re restricted, they’ll find a way around the restrictions and do it anyway. I’m thinking about people wanting to be other people, even if they’re in a relationship. Not a lot of people have the understanding, and the self control to realize that if they’re in a relationship and it’s going well for the most part, what they feel towards other people is simply lust. I’ve struggled with it before, but I’ve had loads of self control to keep myself from doing something stupid. That’s good. I’m proud of myself for that. Yes, it’s been hard before, but it’s a line I can not let myself pass.

I hope that Nash has the ability to. Obviously things are great right now, but things aren’t always easy. Things get tough and then people forget why they’re together in the first place. Its’ weird. Life is weird. Love certainly is.

In other news, I bought a 48 pack of pop tarts at the store the other day. Excuse me while I live off those for a while.

5.26.17

Days have been a little slow here in Orlando. I don’t have many friends who are available during the week. I haven’t started work yet, and I am just kind of always sitting around, waiting for something to happen. Today I was able to get lunch with Lee and the new RUF intern, Alex. He’s a cool dude. We were able to bond over our love of food, and the beloved Star Wars. I’m excited and hopeful to get to know him a little better. RUF has been an amazing place for me to meet people who have similar interests, and are in similar lifestyles. It’s cool to be able to have friends like these. I really enjoy them. I’m thankful for Timmy getting me involved. He’s a good friend.

Last night I was able to go to a concert. That was sick. I saw Bayside and Say Anything. Both bands were killer. I ended up going alone, but was able to meet a few new people there. Some girl kept trying to flirt with me. It was a little awkward because even though I thought she was cute, she was not taking the hint that I wasn’t interested. In between sets, she started talking to me. She was actually pretty cool, although I’m pretty sure she was a little drunk. She ended up making me give her my phone and giving me her number. She put her name in as “Meg Say anything/Bayside (take the hint)” I tried to find her in the crowd after the show, but couldn’t seem to find her. I ended up texting her a little bit last night. Still seems kind of cool, but it’s a little weird since I’m unofficially with Nash. Would talking to her be wrong? Do I even want to, or am I just seeking attention? Who even knows with me? She hasn’t responded to my most recent message a few hours ago, so if I don’t hear from her, I guess that’ll be a good indication of wether I’m supposed to talk to her or not. We did sing “Don’t call me Peanut” together though. That song is so good. And it was fun to sing to someone. eh. Who knows what the deal is?

Just more things to add to the confusion. Fantastic. So glad. As if life wasn’t difficult enough. Oh well I guess. At least the show was fun.

5.25.17

So I recently got a job at Walt Disney World. You’re reading the private thoughts of one of Disney’s newest Deepwater Lifeguards. I am stationed at the Yacht Club. I’m pretty excited to see what this is like. For the majority of my life, I’ve worked as a barista. That’s also a little closer to what I want to do with my life. I want to open my own coffee shop that promotes community within whatever area I end up in. I want it to be an old house that feels like home to people. I envision a group of people that need a place to feel welcome, and I want to provide that. I have an urge to create a place that helps people feel like they’re loved. That they’re cared for. A place for meetings, and for people to study. To hang out and to meet new friends. Obviously Disney is vastly different than this idea, but I think that this will be a new and exciting way to make an income while living in Orlando.

One thing I pride myself on is my work ethic. I always work my hardest, whatever the task, regardless of how my day is. Having a fear of ending up like my father, I’ve done a great job of not inheriting his horrendous work ethic. I strive to make whoever I work with family. Going into such a large corporate job, I recognize the likelihood of this idea failing. But why not try? Why shouldn’t I work my hardest to unite the people I see every day? Maybe the community will already be there. Maybe I won’t have to do much to get to that place. I’m not sure what will happen, but I am excited to see what does.

Nash has been on my heart lately. What else is new? But recently, with her being in Miami visiting her family, she’s been feeling down. I don’t know much about her family life, but I get the feeling that it gets on her nerves often. She’s also been let down by her brothers, seeing them do things that destroy themselves. I can relate to how this feels. Seeing my father throw away everything, his family, wealth, career, all in pursuit of more has made me a good person to talk to about this stuff. Of course it’s a little different because we’re talking about abandoning families, and then drug use. But I’m not sure it is all that different. She’s been stressing out about what will happen to her family due to it. I think she’s close to her brothers, and seeing them continue down a dark path must break her heart. It sucks to think about, and I wish I could do more to help her. I also want her to have an amazing time down in Miami. She’s basically on vacation near one of my favorite places. I understand that Fort Lauderdale and Miami aren’t too close, but I know some awesome places in Miami, and it seems like she’s blind to it because it being so close to her childhood. I don’t understand that as well as I wish I did. I love Fort Lauderdale, and I think it’s full of awesome people and very cool things. But Nash seems to just be complaining her entire time down there to me, telling me she wishes she was back here with me. As great as that is to hear, selfishly, I want her to be having a blast while she’s down there. I just don’t know what is going on. She is supposed to come back either tomorrow, or the day after. She’s waiting to find a car that her parents approve of. Apparently her father finds something wrong with each car they go and see. I hope she’s able to either start having a good time, or she’s able to come back up here to have a better time. I’m rooting for the latter, but again, I know that’s selfish.

I miss her, and I wish I could start work already so that I had something to do all day, rather than watching Netflix. As much as I love It’s always Sunny, I’d love to be productive. I have been playing a lot of guitar recently, so that’s rewarding. I am stuck on learning a new song, AND stuck on writing a new one. I feel so discouraged because of this. Real frustrating.

Let’s hope I start making better use of my time.