5.31.17

So today I get to show my friend Michael the house I’m living in. I also have to show it to his parents. If he likes it he’ll move in during the fall, which would be so ridiculously fun. He’s a good friend and I think it would give the house some real character. It’d be Nick, Mikey, Mitchell, Matt, Henry and me. I think it’d be a great time. I’m close to all of those guys, excluding Matt. I don’t know him that well, but I like him a bit and think he’s super nice. All of those guys are great examples of how God believes community should work. It’s really cool to see that. I think that we could have a great time and really grow together as a house through the following year. All of this is obviously contingent on the idea I stay in Orlando. This is a tough thing to decide. I’m really nervous about the idea of passing up this opportunity but with a little time and prayer, I think I will be able to make this decision rationally.

I think the things it depends on are:

1. If work at Disney goes well.
2. If the proposed people live in the house.
3. If things are going well with Nash.
4. If the band I’m starting with Hayden is a good time.

I’m worried about making this decision for Nash though. I think I’ve mentioned this before though. The reality is that I’ve been known to make these types of decisions before for girls. It’s really fucked up my life, but it’s also made it for the best. I just have to wait and see how things play out. This may be the community I’ve been searching for. These dudes are great dudes. Just a little nerve wracking.

I know I will eventually live in New York, but is the time now? Will I possibly regret my decision in the future?

5.28.17

Music is great. I really enjoy being able to get my emotions and thoughts out not only through this blog thing but also through music. Wether that’s learning a new song or writing one. It’s a great way for me to feel worth while. I love that feeling. Music is something that connects everyone together. Even just the other night, at the Bayside show, I was able to meet new friends because of our love of music and of certain bands. It’s crazy. It’s really wonderful. The emotions that can be sparked because of the soundwaves reverberating through the air. It’s ridiculous. It’s so wonderful and amazing. It’s something that God certainly blessed us with. Worship music is super cool too. You can easily feel how God is able to use it to tie the congregation together. So interesting. I really love the feeling I get after spending an hour or two with my guitar. Or the feeling I get when I hang out with friends and play together. It’s a wonderful bonding experience.

Hayden and I should be starting a band together soon. I think it’s going to be a pop-punk/post hardcore band. I’ve never been apart of something like that, and I’m not too familiar with the latter genre, but I’m excited just to have a hand in something like that with such good friends. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. He’s such a good dude, and very caring. I can only hope to be as good of a friend as him. To think that we met in a line at Lazy Moon. So weird how friends become friends. I’m amazed and joyful over it.

As much as I feel down about my life, it’s hard not to notice how great my close friends are. They’ve done so much for me and I feel like I can never repay them. Our little group is growing together and I couldn’t be more excited to see what our adventures become.

Shout out to Hayden, Niko, JFaulk, and Kaplan for just being the best dudes I could ask for.

5.27.17

The feeling for Nash grows quickly. I am overwhelmed and terrified with what could happen. I could ruin her. I could allow myself to be open with and get hurt very easily. It’s nerve wracking. I think she’s such a sweet girl, and have a hard time seeing that happening to me with her, but I’ve had a hard time seeing girls in the past do it too. They’re savages. But I guess people are in general. People are going to do what they want, and if they’re restricted, they’ll find a way around the restrictions and do it anyway. I’m thinking about people wanting to be other people, even if they’re in a relationship. Not a lot of people have the understanding, and the self control to realize that if they’re in a relationship and it’s going well for the most part, what they feel towards other people is simply lust. I’ve struggled with it before, but I’ve had loads of self control to keep myself from doing something stupid. That’s good. I’m proud of myself for that. Yes, it’s been hard before, but it’s a line I can not let myself pass.

I hope that Nash has the ability to. Obviously things are great right now, but things aren’t always easy. Things get tough and then people forget why they’re together in the first place. Its’ weird. Life is weird. Love certainly is.

In other news, I bought a 48 pack of pop tarts at the store the other day. Excuse me while I live off those for a while.

5.24.17

Love is crazy. Is it possible to fall in love with someone when only dating them for a matter of weeks? Is it wrong to? I neither know the answers to these questions, nor do I know the likelihood of them. Needless to say, things with Nash are going well. Things feel easy with her. Things feel right, like she’s been in my life for as long as the sun as risen on the horizon. She’s given me the reasons she likes me, but I fear that I’ll let her down. I always do. I hate myself as a boyfriend, even though I also consider myself one of the best boyfriends I’ve ever seen. I know I don’t make sense, but that’s okay too. Maybe things don’t need to rationally explained about the feeling I have. Love isn’t rational. What I do know is that her attention has arrested mine. I can’t keep her out of my head. She races through it every moment. It’s terrifying. I’ve been hurt, but who hasn’t? Do I continue down the path of falling in love with her? Should I open myself to someone who could potentially destroy me?

I’m scared to feel this way. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I feel as though that’s all I do. I just want to love her and be loved in return. I want to know all the intimacies of her  thoughts. I want to know if she prefers black or green tea. What her thoughts on inter dimensional travel are. Who she looks up as a role model. Why she feels as though boots and boat shoes are the only types of shoes she should wear. Obviously these questions are all over the place but what I’m getting at is that I want to know her. I want to explore her, in every facet of every way. I want to write songs about her, and go through life with her. I want to be who she turns to for advice, and the guy she needs to hold her when something terrible happens. And I want her to be that person for me. But I ruin things. I ruin relationships. I don’t deserve the love I am receiving from her currently, and I sure as hell don’t deserve whatever may come in the future.

Is this the truth? Or is it my insecurities talking? Is there a possibility that I’ll eventually end up with someone who can be with me for life and will have my back and fight on my side, even when I’m wrong? I know that it’s far too early to even think of Nash specifically like this, and I’m not, but the whole point of dating someone is to eventually get to this ideal place. But is it for me? Could I possibly get to a place where someone wants to spend their life with me? Could they want to sit through my wallowing, my anxieties? Maybe so, maybe no.

I guess I’ll eventually find out.

But my budding relationship with Nash is too new to think of her in this way. And I’m for sure not, but the feeling with I have with her is so wonderful.

I’m excited to see what is to come.